Ha ha...i think you're in the wrong place, the best we've got is, lazy, beer swilling, idle, tired, lathargic chavs, that don't care enough to get out of bed, now if you'd have wanted someone like that, you'd be spoilt for choice, even the ones that come to watch, stand on the sidelines, burping like gnu's roaring in the morning, farting, scratching their balls, and usually hold a can of stella in their hand, even though its only 10 oclock in the morning.
Good luck with your search.